This spoke to me today...

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost!
That’s why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble -
needing God to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
which is why I seek His name

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

Quiet Time Moments

The phone is ringing, as a friend is waiting on Facebook chat, while two kids are fighting over a doll no one has played with in 6 months and your 1 year old is fishing toilet paper out of the toilet. You run to grab the baby and bring him to wash his hands in the kitchen sink which is overflowing with dirty dishes that you were just too tired to wash after a late dinner last night. The phone keeps ringing over and over and you look down to see your husband has called you 6 times in the last 2 minutes, wanting you to do some research for something online and pay some bills. You get back to the computer to do those things to realize you left your friend waiting, and quickly apologize for having to take care of life, which she completely understands. You get on the web pages you need to for your husband when you realize the baby has an overwhelming stinky diaper and it is almost lunch time, shortly after will be time to get your kindergartner on the bus...

How do we get away from all this to find time to be quiet? How do we as mothers make a peaceful time to communicate with our ever present God? The Maker of world and the Saviour of all mankind longs to spend time with you. He wants to commune with you, speak to you, hear your hearts cry, quench your thirst for living water...when do we find the time? The answer, I am finding, is in every spare moment of the day. As you are doing the dishes, plug your mp3 player into speakers and listen to a worship play list while you wash and rinse. While folding laundry, pray for the burdens on your heart and for those that need an intermediator between Heaven and Earth. While playing with your kids, pray over them, for their futures and their current struggles; invite Jesus to be in your midst. When making decisions, no matter how big or small, ask God for direction...do it with your children so they will grow knowing He is the first one they can turn to in their time of need. When you wake in the morning to a child jumping on your tired body, ask for God's grace for the day. Know that He will be with you for every moment of your day no matter what may come. Invite Him near to you, and spend your entire day in His presence. That is how we find time to draw near to Jesus, or rather, how time finds us. There will be hard days, but you have the comfort of knowing He is already there for you.

God is saying, "Remember Me. Acknowledge Me. It's not always about how much time we have together, It's how often you realize We are together. I am always with you, if you will just quiet your heart for even a moment and let me pour into you."

Habits

I've been creating new little ones lately. Habits, that is. Not babies...we are done creating babies ;) Habits...I have so many of them, lots are bad ones. Ask anyone who knows me well, I squint my face when I'm concentrating or stressed out. See...I'm going it right now. Good thing this isn't a video blog. But lately I've been trying to implement new ones to be apart of my everyday life. Make the bed, Do the dishes every time I go into the kitchen, fold the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer...uh...I'll be right back.

Sorry, I looked over at the basket of laundry that I just pulled out of the dryer and thought I should fold it before I continued writing. So yeah, habits are not so easy to form..but I'm learning its about practice and perseverance. And utilizing every free moment and opportunity. With Emma in school now I seem to have about 10 minutes after we've gotten ready and before we have to be downstairs for the bus. The same with getting her off the bus in the afternoon..sure I can use those 10 minutes to check something on Facebook; or I can do up the dishes in the sink real quick or switch laundry...Heck I could probably fold a whole load in 10 minutes if I was really trying hard. I usually prefer to fold laundry while catching up on Bones or Stargate SG-1. Those are my current shows I've been watching. But yes...habits. And I am squinting again...some habits are harder to break than others.

Visions and Dreams

I have had some things churning within my heart. The very beginnings of these things go back 8 years, and I can still picture these things as if they are as near as my last breath. God has put a passion in my heart for speaking and singing, for speaking truth to heal the broken and singing songs of peace and joy, and love for our saviour. I can close my eyes and recall these dreams...so very near and dear to my heart. While worshipping at church on sunday, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart, gently telling me that He has not forgotten those dreams that He had given me...that He has not forgotten what my heart beats for. But I felt so weary at that point, I cried out, "Lord, I'm just so tired. Life is so complicated and I just feel like I will never reach those things which you have destined me to do!!" But of course, it hit me again; the key to opening the door to the future He has called me to: Quiet time with Him to pour into me. I envisioned in that moment a glass pitcher, With clean, cold, crystal clear water flowing into it. It was filled to the top...and overflowing. It was this worship song I was singing at that moment in church, and it was one of those life changing moments:

Dying...and Living

Yesterday we went to Joel's grandfather Roberts funeral. Here is a man, a veteran of World War 2, who survived to come home to have 5 children with his faithful, beautiful wife. One of those children gave birth to my husband, and the thought occured to me yesterday that if he had never come home from that war, if his life had never been spared, I would not have my husband today. Its so profound the impact peoples lives have on the following generations. One of the things that was said of Grandpa was that he was a family man who loved music. He spent all his time providing for his family and spending time with them. His children have wonderful memories of his devotion to them. I want to live like that. I want my devotion to be for my God, my husband and my children. I want my passion to pour out of me and overflow onto them, and onto our friends, our childrens friends, the strangers I meet...I want Gods love to overflow from me. I want to be a special memory in a strangers mind for their life...one that stands out from the rest for an act of kindness or mercy. I want to have Joy that radiates from me, and is contagious. I am so stuck, I feel, in the way my life has been, but really the lack of daily time spent with my God is the glue that is holding me there. I need to break free from the constant striving that is making me do everything in my own strength. I have felt so rock bottom lately, and its only because God is telling me...pleading with me to let go and let Him work through me. I know this, why is it so hard for me. It seem so simple...and yet it always slips from my mind. Now is when I have to start the habit of doing it every day. Of taking the quiet moments I have, however few they are, and asking God to guide me, to use me for His Glory and Will. Why does such a simple thing seem so difficult for me?!

As I write this with such intensity, Micah comes walking down the hallway, walking crooked and out of step as if he's trying to gallop. He looks at me and talks some jibberish...and I smile. I love him. I love my little girls that are driving me crazy this morning, that are guilty of having too much energy and are sentenced to their room until it is clean. I love my life. And I want to Live it.

This is a pouring out of my heart...

I was going to make this a private journal post, but I don't really know how to do that. So you don't have to read it...Its just me getting my thoughts out.

Sometimes the best way to describe what I feel is like Bipolar. I will be feeling great one minute, and something will happen and suddenly I feel depressed and hopeless and completely alone. It usually strikes when there is an argument or discussion or even just a suggestion between Joel and I. And I know there is no pressure for performance, but I just feel so incapable or inadequate I don't really know what to do. I don't know. Its just hard sometimes. Life...Marriage...Parenting. I wish I had a better clue or felt more capable. In all reality I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me, who listens to me and really we have a good marriage. I guess sometimes I am scared it will change. I don't expect it to, because I know Joel, I know his heart for me, but somedays I worry something horrible will happen. I suppose that happens every now and then to everyone, but I hate it. I hate feeling scared. I know I should just trust in God, I know that He's holding our lives in His hands...I know He has a future for us. But some moments, when my heart is heavy and feeling over burdened, I'm just scared. There has been a lot on my heart lately...stress about people and things. My dad and my brothers who live with him are just a mess. I try not to think about it other than to pray for them, but it eats away at me sometimes. My mom is in Maine, and although I know this is a good place for her right now, I just miss her face. I've been focusing on my home more, trying to organize and keep it nice, so that we can enjoy it...but my kids are soooo incredibly messy. Every single time I put the cushions on the couch, I turn around and before I know it they are on the floor again. I just don't know what to do to keep them from making messes constantly or make them pick up after themselves. It stresses me out and I yell. I yell a lot. Then I feel guilty for yelling and I try to hold my emotions in and I bite on the inside of my cheeks to keep from yelling. So my cheeks hurt. I am tired. So tired. Some nights I get woken up 4 or 5 times a night. Emma and Ellie constantly wind up in our beds by the morning. I don't know how to break them of this and I'm tired of getting up multiple times to put them back in their own beds. My body hurts..the RA is managable, but lately my lower back is really painful. Most likely its because of my weight and from being pregnant this last time. I've been cutting down on drinking soda, and eating healthier during the week and just taking a caffeine pill if I need a burst of energy...but I feel like my mood is all over the place and when I don't get caffeine I'm like a wreck. I hate feeling this unbalanced. I just feel trapped in the current place I am with no way out and no change on the horizon. I hate it, I really do. I have millions of good intentions but at the end of the day..I'm just tired. Its so hard to explain and I feel like no one really understands but God. I'm thankful I have Him and He loves me and listens to me.

Ok, that was a total venting post...but things were swirling inside of me and I had to get them out.

Was good, now gone.

Yesterday, that is. I had a great, productive day yesterday, and it actually looked like I accomplished multiple things. But that was yesterday, and in my house, yesterday doesn't survive today. Today, well, I woke up to pouring rain and my kids were fine one minute, and then whiney and crabby the next.
ALL. DAY. LONG.

I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen just to turn around and bake bread and make homemade chicken stew (cuz it was just so gosh darn gloomy out...) And now...well...I didn't have the energy to clean that mess up. But I guess that's why God made tomorrows.

So much...So much.

I think thats the only way I can describe my heart lately. Overburdened. I've been dealing with a lot of things, striving...but instead of things getting better in my heart and emotionally, somedays I just feel angry. It works its way out in stress...or when things don't go my way...I say things in my head that I would never say out loud. My temper is short. And I never seem to have enough time for anything. I'm tired. It may be because I am getting woken up between 4-6 times a night between 3 children. Or maybe I've been avoiding issues that God is trying to resolve inside of me. Life is good right now...Life around me...things should be getting easier...but inside me I feel like there is a war raging. What I need the most is time with My Father...time spent in prayer and worship...with no kids around. Seclusion and Peace and a place I can unburden myself. So thats what I'm starting with...I'm making that time for myself.

Off to work on this schedule for today...

• Pick up Living Room, Vacuum Couch, Declutter Desk/Filing Cabinet
• Pick up Kitchen, Dishes, Counters, Clean out Fridge, Declutter Rack, Table and Floors
• Laundry, Pick up My Room, Make Bed
• Quick Clean Bathroom
• Declutter and Pickup Girls Room, Vacuum, Make Beds, Organize Toys, Put away Laundry
• Declutter and Pickup Micahs Room, Vacuum, Crib, Organize Toys

These words stuck in my heart tonight...

Ecclesiastes 5

Approaching God with Care

¹ As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. ² Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.

³ Too much activity gives you restless dreams; too many words make you a fool.

⁴ When you make a promise to God, don’t delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. ⁵ It is better to say nothing than to make a promise and not keep it. ⁶ Don’t let your mouth make you sin. And don’t defend yourself by telling the Temple messenger that the promise you made was a mistake. That would make God angry, and he might wipe out everything you have achieved.

⁷ Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead.

Out of the Darkness

I was at Church today and a thought occured to me during worship. It tied together things that God has been showing me over the past few months, but in a kind of "Ah Hah!" way. I guess it starts with this quote, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Gil Bailie
I realized that the one thing I need to do on this earth is Worship God. That's what He has called me specifically to do. It's my passion, and it encompasses my whole life. If I start to focus on just doing that one thing, God showed me that all the other areas I have been struggling with and failing in will become right. For other people, there may be other things that God has called you to do...Preach the Gospel, Love the Unlovable, Feed the Hungry, Pray without ceasing....We are all called to do these things, but there seems to be always one passion that stands out stronger and brighter and makes the flame within us burn hotter. That is our one thing.

For me, Worshipping God means Singing to Him, all the time. In my home, in the car, with my kids, in my head, and at the grocery store. Having His praise on my lips all the time. Its about having a home where His presence can rest, where there is order, peace and Joy. I know that when worshipping God becomes my focus, when all other things fade away and I just stand there in awe at His Glorious Majesty, all the problems, depression, cranky screaming kids and messes just seem to fade away.

My cry this morning was for God to never let me go back to the dark place I have been recently. It was so scary there. The thoughts, fears, anxiety, doubt, and overpowering depression were so intense. The tears, the hurt, the feelings of inadequacy....I don't want to ever be back there again!! I need to be alive! To do what God has called me to do, in every area of my life. And by His Grace, I will.

All I want for mothers day..

Is to stay home alone most of the day. Sad? Well, here is my reasoning.

1. I need to sleep
2. My house needs my undivided attention
3. If I can focus long enough to get things in order, I could sit and watch movies

And then of course, I would love to be joined by my husband and children while we go out to dinner, and get home and have said husband put the kids to bed all by himself. Then have husband give me a back rub and tell me I'm pretty and I'm the best Mom in the entire world...blah, blah.

I think come Monday morning, I would be feeling pretty darn good about things. :)

In reality, I know that I have 2 year old with a fever, a 9 month old with diarrhea, a house that is messy and I need to go grocery shopping. *sigh* I may not even be able to make it to church tomorrow :( But this is life, at the heart of it. Its the reality that keeps me on my knees asking God for His Grace. It keeps me humbled, broken and close to Him.