Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Habits

I've been creating new little ones lately. Habits, that is. Not babies...we are done creating babies ;) Habits...I have so many of them, lots are bad ones. Ask anyone who knows me well, I squint my face when I'm concentrating or stressed out. See...I'm going it right now. Good thing this isn't a video blog. But lately I've been trying to implement new ones to be apart of my everyday life. Make the bed, Do the dishes every time I go into the kitchen, fold the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer...uh...I'll be right back.

Sorry, I looked over at the basket of laundry that I just pulled out of the dryer and thought I should fold it before I continued writing. So yeah, habits are not so easy to form..but I'm learning its about practice and perseverance. And utilizing every free moment and opportunity. With Emma in school now I seem to have about 10 minutes after we've gotten ready and before we have to be downstairs for the bus. The same with getting her off the bus in the afternoon..sure I can use those 10 minutes to check something on Facebook; or I can do up the dishes in the sink real quick or switch laundry...Heck I could probably fold a whole load in 10 minutes if I was really trying hard. I usually prefer to fold laundry while catching up on Bones or Stargate SG-1. Those are my current shows I've been watching. But yes...habits. And I am squinting again...some habits are harder to break than others.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Visions and Dreams

I have had some things churning within my heart. The very beginnings of these things go back 8 years, and I can still picture these things as if they are as near as my last breath. God has put a passion in my heart for speaking and singing, for speaking truth to heal the broken and singing songs of peace and joy, and love for our saviour. I can close my eyes and recall these dreams...so very near and dear to my heart. While worshipping at church on sunday, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart, gently telling me that He has not forgotten those dreams that He had given me...that He has not forgotten what my heart beats for. But I felt so weary at that point, I cried out, "Lord, I'm just so tired. Life is so complicated and I just feel like I will never reach those things which you have destined me to do!!" But of course, it hit me again; the key to opening the door to the future He has called me to: Quiet time with Him to pour into me. I envisioned in that moment a glass pitcher, With clean, cold, crystal clear water flowing into it. It was filled to the top...and overflowing. It was this worship song I was singing at that moment in church, and it was one of those life changing moments:


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Dying...and Living

Yesterday we went to Joel's grandfather Roberts funeral. Here is a man, a veteran of World War 2, who survived to come home to have 5 children with his faithful, beautiful wife. One of those children gave birth to my husband, and the thought occured to me yesterday that if he had never come home from that war, if his life had never been spared, I would not have my husband today. Its so profound the impact peoples lives have on the following generations. One of the things that was said of Grandpa was that he was a family man who loved music. He spent all his time providing for his family and spending time with them. His children have wonderful memories of his devotion to them. I want to live like that. I want my devotion to be for my God, my husband and my children. I want my passion to pour out of me and overflow onto them, and onto our friends, our childrens friends, the strangers I meet...I want Gods love to overflow from me. I want to be a special memory in a strangers mind for their life...one that stands out from the rest for an act of kindness or mercy. I want to have Joy that radiates from me, and is contagious. I am so stuck, I feel, in the way my life has been, but really the lack of daily time spent with my God is the glue that is holding me there. I need to break free from the constant striving that is making me do everything in my own strength. I have felt so rock bottom lately, and its only because God is telling me...pleading with me to let go and let Him work through me. I know this, why is it so hard for me. It seem so simple...and yet it always slips from my mind. Now is when I have to start the habit of doing it every day. Of taking the quiet moments I have, however few they are, and asking God to guide me, to use me for His Glory and Will. Why does such a simple thing seem so difficult for me?!

As I write this with such intensity, Micah comes walking down the hallway, walking crooked and out of step as if he's trying to gallop. He looks at me and talks some jibberish...and I smile. I love him. I love my little girls that are driving me crazy this morning, that are guilty of having too much energy and are sentenced to their room until it is clean. I love my life. And I want to Live it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

This is a pouring out of my heart...

I was going to make this a private journal post, but I don't really know how to do that. So you don't have to read it...Its just me getting my thoughts out.

Sometimes the best way to describe what I feel is like Bipolar. I will be feeling great one minute, and something will happen and suddenly I feel depressed and hopeless and completely alone. It usually strikes when there is an argument or discussion or even just a suggestion between Joel and I. And I know there is no pressure for performance, but I just feel so incapable or inadequate I don't really know what to do. I don't know. Its just hard sometimes. Life...Marriage...Parenting. I wish I had a better clue or felt more capable. In all reality I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me, who listens to me and really we have a good marriage. I guess sometimes I am scared it will change. I don't expect it to, because I know Joel, I know his heart for me, but somedays I worry something horrible will happen. I suppose that happens every now and then to everyone, but I hate it. I hate feeling scared. I know I should just trust in God, I know that He's holding our lives in His hands...I know He has a future for us. But some moments, when my heart is heavy and feeling over burdened, I'm just scared. There has been a lot on my heart lately...stress about people and things. My dad and my brothers who live with him are just a mess. I try not to think about it other than to pray for them, but it eats away at me sometimes. My mom is in Maine, and although I know this is a good place for her right now, I just miss her face. I've been focusing on my home more, trying to organize and keep it nice, so that we can enjoy it...but my kids are soooo incredibly messy. Every single time I put the cushions on the couch, I turn around and before I know it they are on the floor again. I just don't know what to do to keep them from making messes constantly or make them pick up after themselves. It stresses me out and I yell. I yell a lot. Then I feel guilty for yelling and I try to hold my emotions in and I bite on the inside of my cheeks to keep from yelling. So my cheeks hurt. I am tired. So tired. Some nights I get woken up 4 or 5 times a night. Emma and Ellie constantly wind up in our beds by the morning. I don't know how to break them of this and I'm tired of getting up multiple times to put them back in their own beds. My body hurts..the RA is managable, but lately my lower back is really painful. Most likely its because of my weight and from being pregnant this last time. I've been cutting down on drinking soda, and eating healthier during the week and just taking a caffeine pill if I need a burst of energy...but I feel like my mood is all over the place and when I don't get caffeine I'm like a wreck. I hate feeling this unbalanced. I just feel trapped in the current place I am with no way out and no change on the horizon. I hate it, I really do. I have millions of good intentions but at the end of the day..I'm just tired. Its so hard to explain and I feel like no one really understands but God. I'm thankful I have Him and He loves me and listens to me.

Ok, that was a total venting post...but things were swirling inside of me and I had to get them out.

Who I Am

My photo
Connecticut, United States
That is where God met me. He kept repeating the word 'Undone' to me....kept repeating the phrase "She's come Undone". And then it hit me like a wave, the tears flowed. I realized all that I have been trying to accomplish within my life, my marriage, my home, my parenting...it is all being done in MY own strength. God is calling me, telling me to become Undone before Him. To let Him do the work in and through me. To rely on HIS strength to accomplish all the great things He has for my life, and to be the Woman of God, the wife, the mother, the friend, the daughter, the teacher that He is calling me to be. With that, I am becoming Undone before God. I am letting go of the old mindsets that I have been setting for myself. I'm letting go.