Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost!
That’s why I chose this way”
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble -
needing God to be my guide
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed
and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
asking humbly to be taught
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
but God believes I’m worth it
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
which is why I seek His name
When I say, “I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved
Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
How do we get away from all this to find time to be quiet? How do we as mothers make a peaceful time to communicate with our ever present God? The Maker of world and the Saviour of all mankind longs to spend time with you. He wants to commune with you, speak to you, hear your hearts cry, quench your thirst for living water...when do we find the time? The answer, I am finding, is in every spare moment of the day. As you are doing the dishes, plug your mp3 player into speakers and listen to a worship play list while you wash and rinse. While folding laundry, pray for the burdens on your heart and for those that need an intermediator between Heaven and Earth. While playing with your kids, pray over them, for their futures and their current struggles; invite Jesus to be in your midst. When making decisions, no matter how big or small, ask God for direction...do it with your children so they will grow knowing He is the first one they can turn to in their time of need. When you wake in the morning to a child jumping on your tired body, ask for God's grace for the day. Know that He will be with you for every moment of your day no matter what may come. Invite Him near to you, and spend your entire day in His presence. That is how we find time to draw near to Jesus, or rather, how time finds us. There will be hard days, but you have the comfort of knowing He is already there for you.
God is saying, "Remember Me. Acknowledge Me. It's not always about how much time we have together, It's how often you realize We are together. I am always with you, if you will just quiet your heart for even a moment and let me pour into you."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sorry, I looked over at the basket of laundry that I just pulled out of the dryer and thought I should fold it before I continued writing. So yeah, habits are not so easy to form..but I'm learning its about practice and perseverance. And utilizing every free moment and opportunity. With Emma in school now I seem to have about 10 minutes after we've gotten ready and before we have to be downstairs for the bus. The same with getting her off the bus in the afternoon..sure I can use those 10 minutes to check something on Facebook; or I can do up the dishes in the sink real quick or switch laundry...Heck I could probably fold a whole load in 10 minutes if I was really trying hard. I usually prefer to fold laundry while catching up on Bones or Stargate SG-1. Those are my current shows I've been watching. But yes...habits. And I am squinting again...some habits are harder to break than others.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
As I write this with such intensity, Micah comes walking down the hallway, walking crooked and out of step as if he's trying to gallop. He looks at me and talks some jibberish...and I smile. I love him. I love my little girls that are driving me crazy this morning, that are guilty of having too much energy and are sentenced to their room until it is clean. I love my life. And I want to Live it.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sometimes the best way to describe what I feel is like Bipolar. I will be feeling great one minute, and something will happen and suddenly I feel depressed and hopeless and completely alone. It usually strikes when there is an argument or discussion or even just a suggestion between Joel and I. And I know there is no pressure for performance, but I just feel so incapable or inadequate I don't really know what to do. I don't know. Its just hard sometimes. Life...Marriage...Parenting. I wish I had a better clue or felt more capable. In all reality I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me, who listens to me and really we have a good marriage. I guess sometimes I am scared it will change. I don't expect it to, because I know Joel, I know his heart for me, but somedays I worry something horrible will happen. I suppose that happens every now and then to everyone, but I hate it. I hate feeling scared. I know I should just trust in God, I know that He's holding our lives in His hands...I know He has a future for us. But some moments, when my heart is heavy and feeling over burdened, I'm just scared. There has been a lot on my heart lately...stress about people and things. My dad and my brothers who live with him are just a mess. I try not to think about it other than to pray for them, but it eats away at me sometimes. My mom is in Maine, and although I know this is a good place for her right now, I just miss her face. I've been focusing on my home more, trying to organize and keep it nice, so that we can enjoy it...but my kids are soooo incredibly messy. Every single time I put the cushions on the couch, I turn around and before I know it they are on the floor again. I just don't know what to do to keep them from making messes constantly or make them pick up after themselves. It stresses me out and I yell. I yell a lot. Then I feel guilty for yelling and I try to hold my emotions in and I bite on the inside of my cheeks to keep from yelling. So my cheeks hurt. I am tired. So tired. Some nights I get woken up 4 or 5 times a night. Emma and Ellie constantly wind up in our beds by the morning. I don't know how to break them of this and I'm tired of getting up multiple times to put them back in their own beds. My body hurts..the RA is managable, but lately my lower back is really painful. Most likely its because of my weight and from being pregnant this last time. I've been cutting down on drinking soda, and eating healthier during the week and just taking a caffeine pill if I need a burst of energy...but I feel like my mood is all over the place and when I don't get caffeine I'm like a wreck. I hate feeling this unbalanced. I just feel trapped in the current place I am with no way out and no change on the horizon. I hate it, I really do. I have millions of good intentions but at the end of the day..I'm just tired. Its so hard to explain and I feel like no one really understands but God. I'm thankful I have Him and He loves me and listens to me.
Ok, that was a total venting post...but things were swirling inside of me and I had to get them out.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
ALL. DAY. LONG.
I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen just to turn around and bake bread and make homemade chicken stew (cuz it was just so gosh darn gloomy out...) And now...well...I didn't have the energy to clean that mess up. But I guess that's why God made tomorrows.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Off to work on this schedule for today...
- Pick up Living Room, Vacuum Couch, Declutter Desk/Filing Cabinet
- Pick up Kitchen, Dishes, Counters, Clean out Fridge, Declutter Rack, Table and Floors
- Laundry, Pick up My Room, Make Bed
- Quick Clean Bathroom
- Declutter and Pickup Girls Room, Vacuum, Make Beds, Organize Toys, Put away Laundry
- Declutter and Pickup Micahs Room, Vacuum, Crib, Organize Toys
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Approaching God with Care1 As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. 2 Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.
3 Too much activity gives you restless dreams; too many words make you a fool.
4 When you make a promise to God, don’t delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. 5 It is better to say nothing than to make a promise and not keep it. 6 Don’t let your mouth make you sin. And don’t defend yourself by telling the Temple messenger that the promise you made was a mistake. That would make God angry, and he might wipe out everything you have achieved.
7 Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I realized that the one thing I need to do on this earth is Worship God. That's what He has called me specifically to do. It's my passion, and it encompasses my whole life. If I start to focus on just doing that one thing, God showed me that all the other areas I have been struggling with and failing in will become right. For other people, there may be other things that God has called you to do...Preach the Gospel, Love the Unlovable, Feed the Hungry, Pray without ceasing....We are all called to do these things, but there seems to be always one passion that stands out stronger and brighter and makes the flame within us burn hotter. That is our one thing.
For me, Worshipping God means Singing to Him, all the time. In my home, in the car, with my kids, in my head, and at the grocery store. Having His praise on my lips all the time. Its about having a home where His presence can rest, where there is order, peace and Joy. I know that when worshipping God becomes my focus, when all other things fade away and I just stand there in awe at His Glorious Majesty, all the problems, depression, cranky screaming kids and messes just seem to fade away.
My cry this morning was for God to never let me go back to the dark place I have been recently. It was so scary there. The thoughts, fears, anxiety, doubt, and overpowering depression were so intense. The tears, the hurt, the feelings of inadequacy....I don't want to ever be back there again!! I need to be alive! To do what God has called me to do, in every area of my life. And by His Grace, I will.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
- I need to sleep
- My house needs my undivided attention
- If I can focus long enough to get things in order, I could sit and watch movies
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I am in the process of spring cleaning, except I've mostly just begun in my head. I've been hacking away at laundry all week, but I really have been organizing my thoughts, my ideas and trying to come up with a solution to, well, myself. I know that I am:
- A procrastinator. I feel the energy while I am doing things at the last minute. It is then that special projects really begin to take shape.
- I have some sort of A.D.D type thing going on. I cannot focus on 1 thing at a time. Its ridiculous how bad I have gotten. If you look at my computer at any given time, I will have 4 windows open and each of those windows will have 3 or 4 tabs.
- I am a creative genius. Ok, well...maybe just creative. Not sure about the genius part. But I love coming up with new ideas, new purposes for things and love making old things new again.
- I love to change things around. When I was younger, my room would be so trashed. I had so much stuff in one small room, that the only way I would ever clean it was to put everything on the bed and dressers, move the furniture around and then clean from there. I had to have the inspiration of moving furniture around in order to clean up the mess. I still don't know why I function this way.
- I put things off. I am lazy...well...I find more value in doing things that I like; such as, sitting on the couch watching my husband play video games or tickling my kids, than I do in cleaning my kitchen. Ok, so we probably all do...but a lot of times I don't do those ever so important things until they are so out of control that I don't know where to begin.
- I like lists...but not too long of lists. I need things written down in front of me, but not that its so overwhelming. I've opted to try out Sidetracked Home Executives Index Card System to see if I can work from there...
So there you have it. This is me in a nutshell (as it pertains to the care and keeping of my home). So in my mind I can visualize my house cleaned, and I can visualize my new system working, but until I get off Blogger and off my Butt and start to implement it, it will never happen. Off I go!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Yesterday I woke up after not having good sleep. I was immediately overwhelmed by the thought of being a mom yesterday. I was so tired. My thoughts were immediately negative and bitter. "Why this...If only that..." As I walked through my house and saw all the things I needed to do I became so overwhelmed that I literally went back to hide under the covers. It was there that I worked through a depressive state, and really cried out to God to give me strength. I texted my husband and told him my current mental/emotional/spiritual state and he said that he was praying for me. With the baby taking a nap and the girls occupied by a movie, I laid there and I literally felt a spiritual battle taking place while I just kind of rested. I wasn't fully asleep (As another mom knows that no one can fully fall asleep when there are children not tucked soundly in their beds) but I was in a restful state.
After that, I got out of bed and walked through my house again. I started a load of laundry, did half the dishes, and picked up the living room. I proceeded to vacuum and then just spend naptime doing whatever I wanted.
I've been off with eating and excersize, but as I explained my day yesterday to a very dear friend of mine, she said, "Liz, you will not be perfect all the time...but you will be victrious. Yesterday, you were victorious in overcoming that depression."
That is the key. Don't give up being victorious. I also felt the tides turn yesterday when I caught a vision for my house. I have been wanting to buy a few bakers racks to use for storing things, and since we were going to be able to do that yesterday night, I started focusing on preparing the places they were going to go. Once I had a vision for my day, it was easier to tackle the mess.
This is me being real.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
When I got married, I committed before God to honor my husband and become one with him. I committed to submit to him, respect him, love him and cherish him. He committed to love me as Christ loves the church, to honor me, to cherish me and provide for me. On one of the many occasions Joel and I talked before getting married I learned that he indeed found me very attractive and beautiful, and he loved that I was in shape (at size 12) and he wanted me to stay that way. He was understanding of things like being pregnant and day to day life...but He desired to have a beautiful and attractive wife. Men are visual beings. They are attracted physically to us and God made them that way for His purpose. I agreed with him that I wanted to stay healthy and thin as well. I in turn, loved being cherished, pursued by Joel and seen in a way that I was his and his alone. I loved being taken care of and provided for and the safety and security that gave me. These were expectaions we both had for each other for our marriage for the rest of our lives.
Enter Stage Left Rebellion. There it is, the root issue for so many problems in marriage. There were things I did not want to submit to, I am ashamed to admit them. Some of it was early on, when Joel would want to read the bible together as a couple at night, and I...I wanted to do my own thing. At the time, I just didn't want Joel to see how much I had made him my all...and was becoming stagnent in my relationship with God. Joel pursued me, and instead of being caught up in a wonderful time of fellowship with my husband and God...I ran. When I started to think I could eat whatever I want, and as much as I wanted, I over ate. Any helpful, loving comments I got from others were pushed aside. "They don't know me. They don't know that I am in charge of my life." I pushed them away and decided to do whatever I wanted. Because I am not a risk taker, this rebellion worked its way out of me with my eating. For others its drinking or going out partying. Still for others, its shopping or with their relationships. It all boils down to not wanting to submit to God, or the people he has placed in our life that help keep us from going off the deep end. Joel was there to keep me from going off the deep end with my eating and my weight. But instead of realizing this and controling myself with God's strength, I fell further away from God and further into my rebellion.
There were times I would take the car to run errands and splurge on a big meal somewhere. I love food. Love the taste. I love the feeling of not going without. I love the feeling of not having to restrict myself. But I am suffering the consequences of that now. As a result of my root issue of rebellion, I have gained over 50 lbs in the past 7 years. My husband has told me on many occasions that he loves me still, no matter what for the rest of our lives. He is committed to me, and loves who I am with all of his heart. As for the pursuit though..that is lacking. He is attracted to me because I am his wife and he loves me, but I have lost the passion and pursuit in my marriage. I have lost that twinkle of pride in his eye when we are out and I look and feel amazing because I am healthy and confident of who I am. I no longer feel sexy and am embarrassed because of the way I look. I have done this to myself, it is a result of my rebellion and my actions. Many women want to pass the blame, and it would be so easy for me to. But I will not. I choose to accept blame for the things that I have done, for the pain I have caused and I choose to forgive others who have wounded me. I'm not holding onto those things anymore.
The point I am trying to make here, is that Rebellion will ALWAYS try to find a way to work itself into your life. Now that I am taking control of eating, excersize and body I can feel the rebellion creeping into other areas of my life. My housekeeping for example...I am just wanting to be lazy...to do things the way I want to do them. "No one should be telling me what I have to do in my home..." Or with my spending..."I can buy this or that...its my money...I've worked hard for it..." or in my pursuit of God, "Its OUR relationship...I have a say in how it goes...how long I spend reading the bible or how much I am praying." ENOUGH!!!!! I am tired of it!! I am coming against REBELLION in JESUS NAME because He has given me the power and authority when He gave His life for me on the Cross! He has given me the POWER to overcome REBELLION through Him and HIS STRENGTH. I am so tired of being held captive to the very things that seem to be offering me freedom! I CANNOT DO THIS IN MY OWN STRENGTH. I need God's help every step of the way, every morning that I wake up, before I take my next breath. God is in every fiber of my being, causing my heart to beat and my lungs to draw air. I need my husband, his gentle tugging and encouragement, his unfailing love and support. I need my friends and confidants, I need my Mother and her words of wisdom and her prayer for me. I cannot rebel against the very people God has placed in my life so that I can remain the person He has called me to be.
I know this has become long winded, but this was stirring in my heart today...and I needed this revelation from God so that I can continue to walk in Christs authority over my life!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
As I was looking at calorie content in different foods today, I realized just how horribly I've been eating. I am shocked that I don't way 100 lbs more! As I am being cautious and mindful of everything I put in my mouth, I am realizing that it was no big deal before to consume an extra 1,000-2,000 calories in a day. I had NO self-control! Cookies and milk for breakfast, half bag (big bag) of raisinettes, chips, dip....and OH the ICE CREAM! All because it was easy to grab that stuff and it tasted good. I didn't want to take the time to cook for myself during the day. What a lazy bum I am!!
I am learning that I love healthy food too. And I can eat variety. And I can allow myself to have a treat..but I just have to measure it out first. And if I go overboard...well...then I have some working out to do to make up for it. I'm not perfect...this isnt going to be easy...but I want these changes to last.
So, its the first week of the rest of my life and I've lost my 2 lbs. I'm pretty darn excited :D
Monday, March 22, 2010
For so long, I stopped remembering my year at The Honor Academy. I felt like I was never going to be like that again, and that the reality was that God wanted to do something different in me. I told myself to stop looking backwards and continue to look forwards. I couldn't have been more wrong! Yes, God wants me to look forwards and not look backwards at the mistakes and things I can no longer change. But He LONGS for us to remember the things He did through us and in us!! So we can know and have assurance He will always be there. The things He did in me laid the foundation for my future life as a woman, a wife, a mother and a child of God. He placed passions and desires inside of me...He awakened gifts and talents inside of me that I never realized were there. He humbled me, strengthened me, stretched me and showered me with His love. And He's longing for me to remember that time...to remember that closeness. So I can face each new days challenge and know He will be there with me every step of the way!
As you may have been able to tell, I have been reading through my journals from that time in my life. And there is so much Joy there. I WANT that. I want that Joy back. And my friends, God is giving me that Joy again. Because I am remembering and I am wanting it. And I am digging deeper into Him, into His word. I am spending time at His feet, listening to what He has to say. I don't want to be Martha, always concerned with the preparations...I want to be like Mary and realize that I am in His presence and that is the most amazing place to be.
"Could I do without you? Love stands in my way. Just one Love, Just one Life. Just one You, Just one Me. Just one truth because there's nothing else to see. Just let the truth run wild." (My Journal 10/27/02)
"My lifetime I travel this mountain
Never knowing what lies ahead.
With each step I put my trust in You,
And I follow around each turn and bend.
Sometimes the path seems unfamiliar
and I need others to show me the way.
But back on that narrow path I follow,
knowing that You see the way.
Suddenly, I turn 'round a corner
through bushes, thorns and trees;
I gaze out at your majestic creation
and Gasp at your great love for me.
Sometimes on this journey
I get tired, weary, thirsty and scorched.
But my strength comes from my Redeemer
Your Living Water is my source.
And so I travel this mountain,
still unsure of what's ahead.
But one thing I trust is that My Father knows
that what's lying ahead is my Best."
(Reflection on Pike's Peak, Colorado, 9/7/02)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I can look back and see where things would slide, in my walk with God and in my habits. A little more here (on my plate)...a little less here (time in Gods word). I have been broken, humbled, built up, torn down, hopeful and devastated at seemingly the same times. God is taking me on a Journey on this earth....but where I am at now is not where I want to be. I know that.
I am starting in my home. I have been 'trying' for the past few years to keep things in order at home. I'm done trying...I am now just DOING!! I am working on myself again...making the change in me to be ME again. 28 weeks to get to where I'm going phsically....down to my healthy size 12. Will I get there in that amount of time? Most likely no. But its my goal. And if I don't reach the Moon, I will land among the stars. I'll be closer to the moon than I would be if I never even tried to jump...
I'm making the choices and changing my routine because I can no longer just give up on myself. I have to do this for myself, for my husband and for my children. I can't put it off any longer, and I want it now more than ever. I'm not choosing to stop living...I'm going to enjoy life again. Enjoy all the sweet pleasures it has to offer....like jogging, hiking, flowers, fresh air, chocolate, laughs, moonlight and romance.
I may write more....or, you may not hear from me for 28 weeks...I guess I will just have to wait and see!
Who I Am
- Connecticut, United States
- That is where God met me. He kept repeating the word 'Undone' to me....kept repeating the phrase "She's come Undone". And then it hit me like a wave, the tears flowed. I realized all that I have been trying to accomplish within my life, my marriage, my home, my parenting...it is all being done in MY own strength. God is calling me, telling me to become Undone before Him. To let Him do the work in and through me. To rely on HIS strength to accomplish all the great things He has for my life, and to be the Woman of God, the wife, the mother, the friend, the daughter, the teacher that He is calling me to be. With that, I am becoming Undone before God. I am letting go of the old mindsets that I have been setting for myself. I'm letting go.