Dying...and Living

Yesterday we went to Joel's grandfather Roberts funeral. Here is a man, a veteran of World War 2, who survived to come home to have 5 children with his faithful, beautiful wife. One of those children gave birth to my husband, and the thought occured to me yesterday that if he had never come home from that war, if his life had never been spared, I would not have my husband today. Its so profound the impact peoples lives have on the following generations. One of the things that was said of Grandpa was that he was a family man who loved music. He spent all his time providing for his family and spending time with them. His children have wonderful memories of his devotion to them. I want to live like that. I want my devotion to be for my God, my husband and my children. I want my passion to pour out of me and overflow onto them, and onto our friends, our childrens friends, the strangers I meet...I want Gods love to overflow from me. I want to be a special memory in a strangers mind for their life...one that stands out from the rest for an act of kindness or mercy. I want to have Joy that radiates from me, and is contagious. I am so stuck, I feel, in the way my life has been, but really the lack of daily time spent with my God is the glue that is holding me there. I need to break free from the constant striving that is making me do everything in my own strength. I have felt so rock bottom lately, and its only because God is telling me...pleading with me to let go and let Him work through me. I know this, why is it so hard for me. It seem so simple...and yet it always slips from my mind. Now is when I have to start the habit of doing it every day. Of taking the quiet moments I have, however few they are, and asking God to guide me, to use me for His Glory and Will. Why does such a simple thing seem so difficult for me?!

As I write this with such intensity, Micah comes walking down the hallway, walking crooked and out of step as if he's trying to gallop. He looks at me and talks some jibberish...and I smile. I love him. I love my little girls that are driving me crazy this morning, that are guilty of having too much energy and are sentenced to their room until it is clean. I love my life. And I want to Live it.