I was going to make this a private journal post, but I don't really know how to do that. So you don't have to read it...Its just me getting my thoughts out.
Sometimes the best way to describe what I feel is like Bipolar. I will be feeling great one minute, and something will happen and suddenly I feel depressed and hopeless and completely alone. It usually strikes when there is an argument or discussion or even just a suggestion between Joel and I. And I know there is no pressure for performance, but I just feel so incapable or inadequate I don't really know what to do. I don't know. Its just hard sometimes. Life...Marriage...Parenting. I wish I had a better clue or felt more capable. In all reality I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me, who listens to me and really we have a good marriage. I guess sometimes I am scared it will change. I don't expect it to, because I know Joel, I know his heart for me, but somedays I worry something horrible will happen. I suppose that happens every now and then to everyone, but I hate it. I hate feeling scared. I know I should just trust in God, I know that He's holding our lives in His hands...I know He has a future for us. But some moments, when my heart is heavy and feeling over burdened, I'm just scared. There has been a lot on my heart lately...stress about people and things. My dad and my brothers who live with him are just a mess. I try not to think about it other than to pray for them, but it eats away at me sometimes. My mom is in Maine, and although I know this is a good place for her right now, I just miss her face. I've been focusing on my home more, trying to organize and keep it nice, so that we can enjoy it...but my kids are soooo incredibly messy. Every single time I put the cushions on the couch, I turn around and before I know it they are on the floor again. I just don't know what to do to keep them from making messes constantly or make them pick up after themselves. It stresses me out and I yell. I yell a lot. Then I feel guilty for yelling and I try to hold my emotions in and I bite on the inside of my cheeks to keep from yelling. So my cheeks hurt. I am tired. So tired. Some nights I get woken up 4 or 5 times a night. Emma and Ellie constantly wind up in our beds by the morning. I don't know how to break them of this and I'm tired of getting up multiple times to put them back in their own beds. My body hurts..the RA is managable, but lately my lower back is really painful. Most likely its because of my weight and from being pregnant this last time. I've been cutting down on drinking soda, and eating healthier during the week and just taking a caffeine pill if I need a burst of energy...but I feel like my mood is all over the place and when I don't get caffeine I'm like a wreck. I hate feeling this unbalanced. I just feel trapped in the current place I am with no way out and no change on the horizon. I hate it, I really do. I have millions of good intentions but at the end of the day..I'm just tired. Its so hard to explain and I feel like no one really understands but God. I'm thankful I have Him and He loves me and listens to me.
Ok, that was a total venting post...but things were swirling inside of me and I had to get them out.
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