Thursday, March 25, 2010

Rebellion

I have struggled with one form or another of Rebellion so often in my life. I think it is in our very nature since the fall of man. To think we know better than God what is the best for us, when we can't even see what will happen tomorrow. My biggest form of rebellion has always been my eating. In my heart, I felt that it was MY choice what food I ate and how much of it. For the first 20 years of my life, it only affected me. So I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and I was in control of it. I hated diets with a passion...every new diet was a new chance to rebell against that authority. I think that rebellion will try to work itself out in any area of our life that we let it. When I was a teenager, I didn't often rebell against my parents...there was never a need to. For the most part I did what I was supposed to. There were a few occasions, however...but I will not go into detail (that is a whole other post for another time!)

When I got married, I committed before God to honor my husband and become one with him. I committed to submit to him, respect him, love him and cherish him. He committed to love me as Christ loves the church, to honor me, to cherish me and provide for me. On one of the many occasions Joel and I talked before getting married I learned that he indeed found me very attractive and beautiful, and he loved that I was in shape (at size 12) and he wanted me to stay that way. He was understanding of things like being pregnant and day to day life...but He desired to have a beautiful and attractive wife. Men are visual beings. They are attracted physically to us and God made them that way for His purpose. I agreed with him that I wanted to stay healthy and thin as well. I in turn, loved being cherished, pursued by Joel and seen in a way that I was his and his alone. I loved being taken care of and provided for and the safety and security that gave me. These were expectaions we both had for each other for our marriage for the rest of our lives.

Enter Stage Left Rebellion. There it is, the root issue for so many problems in marriage. There were things I did not want to submit to, I am ashamed to admit them. Some of it was early on, when Joel would want to read the bible together as a couple at night, and I...I wanted to do my own thing. At the time, I just didn't want Joel to see how much I had made him my all...and was becoming stagnent in my relationship with God. Joel pursued me, and instead of being caught up in a wonderful time of fellowship with my husband and God...I ran. When I started to think I could eat whatever I want, and as much as I wanted, I over ate. Any helpful, loving comments I got from others were pushed aside. "They don't know me. They don't know that I am in charge of my life." I pushed them away and decided to do whatever I wanted. Because I am not a risk taker, this rebellion worked its way out of me with my eating. For others its drinking or going out partying. Still for others, its shopping or with their relationships. It all boils down to not wanting to submit to God, or the people he has placed in our life that help keep us from going off the deep end. Joel was there to keep me from going off the deep end with my eating and my weight. But instead of realizing this and controling myself with God's strength, I fell further away from God and further into my rebellion.

There were times I would take the car to run errands and splurge on a big meal somewhere. I love food. Love the taste. I love the feeling of not going without. I love the feeling of not having to restrict myself. But I am suffering the consequences of that now. As a result of my root issue of rebellion, I have gained over 50 lbs in the past 7 years. My husband has told me on many occasions that he loves me still, no matter what for the rest of our lives. He is committed to me, and loves who I am with all of his heart. As for the pursuit though..that is lacking. He is attracted to me because I am his wife and he loves me, but I have lost the passion and pursuit in my marriage. I have lost that twinkle of pride in his eye when we are out and I look and feel amazing because I am healthy and confident of who I am. I no longer feel sexy and am embarrassed because of the way I look. I have done this to myself, it is a result of my rebellion and my actions. Many women want to pass the blame, and it would be so easy for me to. But I will not. I choose to accept blame for the things that I have done, for the pain I have caused and I choose to forgive others who have wounded me. I'm not holding onto those things anymore.

The point I am trying to make here, is that Rebellion will ALWAYS try to find a way to work itself into your life. Now that I am taking control of eating, excersize and body I can feel the rebellion creeping into other areas of my life. My housekeeping for example...I am just wanting to be lazy...to do things the way I want to do them. "No one should be telling me what I have to do in my home..." Or with my spending..."I can buy this or that...its my money...I've worked hard for it..." or in my pursuit of God, "Its OUR relationship...I have a say in how it goes...how long I spend reading the bible or how much I am praying." ENOUGH!!!!! I am tired of it!! I am coming against REBELLION in JESUS NAME because He has given me the power and authority when He gave His life for me on the Cross! He has given me the POWER to overcome REBELLION through Him and HIS STRENGTH. I am so tired of being held captive to the very things that seem to be offering me freedom! I CANNOT DO THIS IN MY OWN STRENGTH. I need God's help every step of the way, every morning that I wake up, before I take my next breath. God is in every fiber of my being, causing my heart to beat and my lungs to draw air. I need my husband, his gentle tugging and encouragement, his unfailing love and support. I need my friends and confidants, I need my Mother and her words of wisdom and her prayer for me. I cannot rebel against the very people God has placed in my life so that I can remain the person He has called me to be.

I know this has become long winded, but this was stirring in my heart today...and I needed this revelation from God so that I can continue to walk in Christs authority over my life!

2 comments:

Lacy said...

I'm sure it feel SO good to embrace who you are and still want to be. I love reading your posts! They are like my journal entries:)

Lacy said...

one more thing...I also think that living in Mississippi might help you to accomplish all that god is wanting you to:) think about it:)

Who I Am

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Connecticut, United States
That is where God met me. He kept repeating the word 'Undone' to me....kept repeating the phrase "She's come Undone". And then it hit me like a wave, the tears flowed. I realized all that I have been trying to accomplish within my life, my marriage, my home, my parenting...it is all being done in MY own strength. God is calling me, telling me to become Undone before Him. To let Him do the work in and through me. To rely on HIS strength to accomplish all the great things He has for my life, and to be the Woman of God, the wife, the mother, the friend, the daughter, the teacher that He is calling me to be. With that, I am becoming Undone before God. I am letting go of the old mindsets that I have been setting for myself. I'm letting go.