Spring Cleaning

Ok, this is the week. Spring Cleaning. It is supposed to be gorgeous at least for the first half of this week. I'm talking 75-85 degrees! So before it gets too hot to clean, I think I need to bang out my spring cleaning.

I've started with Laundry today. I've actually made big progress today, as now I can see the floor of my laundry room. The picture is proof, my laundry room floor is linoleum. I've got my bed piled high with folded clothes, baskets patiently waiting their turn, and I am sorting through outgrown clothes at the same time.

If you know me, you know that I am not by any definition of the word a neat freak. If you know my husband, you know that he kind of is...but for the sake of our marriage he does not speak too often of matters of the, well, housekeeping. He quietly goes about his normal routines, and if there is something that isn't working the way it is supposed to he wordlessly gets the point across. Except last night, when walking from the kitchen to the living room. Joel: (casually) "So are you going to be doing some serious house cleaning tomorrow?" Me: (just as casually) "Why yes, Yes I am. How did you know?"

So this kicks off my spring cleaning week.

Rest

I have been tired. So tired. And that is directly affecting my ability to be myself. It seems to me, on the nights when I have the most time to sleep, I get woken up multiple times by children. On the nights where I stay up too late, The kids sleep soundly through the night. Why is that?

Yesterday I woke up after not having good sleep. I was immediately overwhelmed by the thought of being a mom yesterday. I was so tired. My thoughts were immediately negative and bitter. "Why this...If only that..." As I walked through my house and saw all the things I needed to do I became so overwhelmed that I literally went back to hide under the covers. It was there that I worked through a depressive state, and really cried out to God to give me strength. I texted my husband and told him my current mental/emotional/spiritual state and he said that he was praying for me. With the baby taking a nap and the girls occupied by a movie, I laid there and I literally felt a spiritual battle taking place while I just kind of rested. I wasn't fully asleep (As another mom knows that no one can fully fall asleep when there are children not tucked soundly in their beds) but I was in a restful state.

After that, I got out of bed and walked through my house again. I started a load of laundry, did half the dishes, and picked up the living room. I proceeded to vacuum and then just spend naptime doing whatever I wanted.

I've been off with eating and excersize, but as I explained my day yesterday to a very dear friend of mine, she said, "Liz, you will not be perfect all the time...but you will be victrious. Yesterday, you were victorious in overcoming that depression."
That is the key. Don't give up being victorious. I also felt the tides turn yesterday when I caught a vision for my house. I have been wanting to buy a few bakers racks to use for storing things, and since we were going to be able to do that yesterday night, I started focusing on preparing the places they were going to go. Once I had a vision for my day, it was easier to tackle the mess.

This is me being real.

Rebellion

I have struggled with one form or another of Rebellion so often in my life. I think it is in our very nature since the fall of man. To think we know better than God what is the best for us, when we can't even see what will happen tomorrow. My biggest form of rebellion has always been my eating. In my heart, I felt that it was MY choice what food I ate and how much of it. For the first 20 years of my life, it only affected me. So I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and I was in control of it. I hated diets with a passion...every new diet was a new chance to rebell against that authority. I think that rebellion will try to work itself out in any area of our life that we let it. When I was a teenager, I didn't often rebell against my parents...there was never a need to. For the most part I did what I was supposed to. There were a few occasions, however...but I will not go into detail (that is a whole other post for another time!)

When I got married, I committed before God to honor my husband and become one with him. I committed to submit to him, respect him, love him and cherish him. He committed to love me as Christ loves the church, to honor me, to cherish me and provide for me. On one of the many occasions Joel and I talked before getting married I learned that he indeed found me very attractive and beautiful, and he loved that I was in shape (at size 12) and he wanted me to stay that way. He was understanding of things like being pregnant and day to day life...but He desired to have a beautiful and attractive wife. Men are visual beings. They are attracted physically to us and God made them that way for His purpose. I agreed with him that I wanted to stay healthy and thin as well. I in turn, loved being cherished, pursued by Joel and seen in a way that I was his and his alone. I loved being taken care of and provided for and the safety and security that gave me. These were expectaions we both had for each other for our marriage for the rest of our lives.

Enter Stage Left Rebellion. There it is, the root issue for so many problems in marriage. There were things I did not want to submit to, I am ashamed to admit them. Some of it was early on, when Joel would want to read the bible together as a couple at night, and I...I wanted to do my own thing. At the time, I just didn't want Joel to see how much I had made him my all...and was becoming stagnent in my relationship with God. Joel pursued me, and instead of being caught up in a wonderful time of fellowship with my husband and God...I ran. When I started to think I could eat whatever I want, and as much as I wanted, I over ate. Any helpful, loving comments I got from others were pushed aside. "They don't know me. They don't know that I am in charge of my life." I pushed them away and decided to do whatever I wanted. Because I am not a risk taker, this rebellion worked its way out of me with my eating. For others its drinking or going out partying. Still for others, its shopping or with their relationships. It all boils down to not wanting to submit to God, or the people he has placed in our life that help keep us from going off the deep end. Joel was there to keep me from going off the deep end with my eating and my weight. But instead of realizing this and controling myself with God's strength, I fell further away from God and further into my rebellion.

There were times I would take the car to run errands and splurge on a big meal somewhere. I love food. Love the taste. I love the feeling of not going without. I love the feeling of not having to restrict myself. But I am suffering the consequences of that now. As a result of my root issue of rebellion, I have gained over 50 lbs in the past 7 years. My husband has told me on many occasions that he loves me still, no matter what for the rest of our lives. He is committed to me, and loves who I am with all of his heart. As for the pursuit though..that is lacking. He is attracted to me because I am his wife and he loves me, but I have lost the passion and pursuit in my marriage. I have lost that twinkle of pride in his eye when we are out and I look and feel amazing because I am healthy and confident of who I am. I no longer feel sexy and am embarrassed because of the way I look. I have done this to myself, it is a result of my rebellion and my actions. Many women want to pass the blame, and it would be so easy for me to. But I will not. I choose to accept blame for the things that I have done, for the pain I have caused and I choose to forgive others who have wounded me. I'm not holding onto those things anymore.

The point I am trying to make here, is that Rebellion will ALWAYS try to find a way to work itself into your life. Now that I am taking control of eating, excersize and body I can feel the rebellion creeping into other areas of my life. My housekeeping for example...I am just wanting to be lazy...to do things the way I want to do them. "No one should be telling me what I have to do in my home..." Or with my spending..."I can buy this or that...its my money...I've worked hard for it..." or in my pursuit of God, "Its OUR relationship...I have a say in how it goes...how long I spend reading the bible or how much I am praying." ENOUGH!!!!! I am tired of it!! I am coming against REBELLION in JESUS NAME because He has given me the power and authority when He gave His life for me on the Cross! He has given me the POWER to overcome REBELLION through Him and HIS STRENGTH. I am so tired of being held captive to the very things that seem to be offering me freedom! I CANNOT DO THIS IN MY OWN STRENGTH. I need God's help every step of the way, every morning that I wake up, before I take my next breath. God is in every fiber of my being, causing my heart to beat and my lungs to draw air. I need my husband, his gentle tugging and encouragement, his unfailing love and support. I need my friends and confidants, I need my Mother and her words of wisdom and her prayer for me. I cannot rebel against the very people God has placed in my life so that I can remain the person He has called me to be.

I know this has become long winded, but this was stirring in my heart today...and I needed this revelation from God so that I can continue to walk in Christs authority over my life!

Grocery Shopping

That was rough. I burned a lot of calories though, pushing carts around, hopping from one store to another and the grand finale: Carrying about 15 bags of groceries up 2 flights of stairs. Add that onto my 15 minute workout today...not too shabby. LOL.

As I was looking at calorie content in different foods today, I realized just how horribly I've been eating. I am shocked that I don't way 100 lbs more! As I am being cautious and mindful of everything I put in my mouth, I am realizing that it was no big deal before to consume an extra 1,000-2,000 calories in a day. I had NO self-control! Cookies and milk for breakfast, half bag (big bag) of raisinettes, chips, dip....and OH the ICE CREAM! All because it was easy to grab that stuff and it tasted good. I didn't want to take the time to cook for myself during the day. What a lazy bum I am!!

I am learning that I love healthy food too. And I can eat variety. And I can allow myself to have a treat..but I just have to measure it out first. And if I go overboard...well...then I have some working out to do to make up for it. I'm not perfect...this isnt going to be easy...but I want these changes to last.

So, its the first week of the rest of my life and I've lost my 2 lbs. I'm pretty darn excited :D

A Room Called Remember

This is the title of a short story written by Frederick Buechner, one of my favorites. In it he tells of a dream he has in which he finds himself in a hotel room that fit him so well and was so amazing and peaceful and wonderful to him. Following a short time (still in the dream) he stays at the same hotel in a room that is not as appealing. He asks the man at the front desk if he could stay in the first room he loved so much, and the man tells him that he can stay there anytime he wants to, that he just has to ask for it by name. The name of the room is Remember. He then discusses the importance of remembering...knowing where you came from, the things God has brought you through. As my pastor spoke yesterday during church...we have to remember the miracles that God has done. Throughout the bible and our own lives. It's one of the ways in which we stir up passion.

For so long, I stopped remembering my year at The Honor Academy. I felt like I was never going to be like that again, and that the reality was that God wanted to do something different in me. I told myself to stop looking backwards and continue to look forwards. I couldn't have been more wrong! Yes, God wants me to look forwards and not look backwards at the mistakes and things I can no longer change. But He LONGS for us to remember the things He did through us and in us!! So we can know and have assurance He will always be there. The things He did in me laid the foundation for my future life as a woman, a wife, a mother and a child of God. He placed passions and desires inside of me...He awakened gifts and talents inside of me that I never realized were there. He humbled me, strengthened me, stretched me and showered me with His love. And He's longing for me to remember that time...to remember that closeness. So I can face each new days challenge and know He will be there with me every step of the way!

As you may have been able to tell, I have been reading through my journals from that time in my life. And there is so much Joy there. I WANT that. I want that Joy back. And my friends, God is giving me that Joy again. Because I am remembering and I am wanting it. And I am digging deeper into Him, into His word. I am spending time at His feet, listening to what He has to say. I don't want to be Martha, always concerned with the preparations...I want to be like Mary and realize that I am in His presence and that is the most amazing place to be.

"Could I do without you? Love stands in my way. Just one Love, Just one Life. Just one You, Just one Me. Just one truth because there's nothing else to see. Just let the truth run wild." (My Journal 10/27/02)

"My lifetime I travel this mountain
Never knowing what lies ahead.
With each step I put my trust in You,
And I follow around each turn and bend.
Sometimes the path seems unfamiliar
and I need others to show me the way.
But back on that narrow path I follow,
knowing that You see the way.
Suddenly, I turn 'round a corner
through bushes, thorns and trees;
I gaze out at your majestic creation
and Gasp at your great love for me.
Sometimes on this journey
I get tired, weary, thirsty and scorched.
But my strength comes from my Redeemer
Your Living Water is my source.
And so I travel this mountain,
still unsure of what's ahead.
But one thing I trust is that My Father knows
that what's lying ahead is my Best."
(Reflection on Pike's Peak, Colorado, 9/7/02)

28 Weeks

I've been doing some soul searching. Digging through the past 7 years of my life, trying to find Me again. For those of you who don't know me personally, I am over weight. I've gained about 50 lbs over the past 7 years, and I wasn't a rail before then...I was a healthy size 12. I was in decent shape, enjoyed my body and also enjoyed life. I was Alive. I got out into the world and did things. I tried on clothes at the store. I loved deeply and lived passionately. I breathed in air, but my next breath always depended on God. He was my source....My constant Joy.

I can look back and see where things would slide, in my walk with God and in my habits. A little more here (on my plate)...a little less here (time in Gods word). I have been broken, humbled, built up, torn down, hopeful and devastated at seemingly the same times. God is taking me on a Journey on this earth....but where I am at now is not where I want to be. I know that.

I am starting in my home. I have been 'trying' for the past few years to keep things in order at home. I'm done trying...I am now just DOING!! I am working on myself again...making the change in me to be ME again. 28 weeks to get to where I'm going phsically....down to my healthy size 12. Will I get there in that amount of time? Most likely no. But its my goal. And if I don't reach the Moon, I will land among the stars. I'll be closer to the moon than I would be if I never even tried to jump...

I'm making the choices and changing my routine because I can no longer just give up on myself. I have to do this for myself, for my husband and for my children. I can't put it off any longer, and I want it now more than ever. I'm not choosing to stop living...I'm going to enjoy life again. Enjoy all the sweet pleasures it has to offer....like jogging, hiking, flowers, fresh air, chocolate, laughs, moonlight and romance.

I may write more....or, you may not hear from me for 28 weeks...I guess I will just have to wait and see!

The House

So God is trying to show me something. And I can't fall back asleep until I write it down.

There is this house. A rundown house in shambles. Its a mess. The previous owner trashed it. A man sees the house, looks within it, and sees the beauty underneath all the filth. He sees the potential in this house. He wants the house. He sacrifices so much for this house and He buys it. He lovingly restores the house, putting blood, sweat and tears into the restoration process. He salvages what He can from what He has to work with, but only salvages the things that are of the most value. He trashes a lot of things that just don't belong in this particular house, things that are not original to this design of the house. He restores the beautiful old wood floors, tears down the ugly wallpaper, brings in a new bathroom but leaves the old claw foot soaking tub. The kitchen, the heart of the home, gets an entire overhaul. It is stunning.

Do you see where I'm going?

Now this man gives this house to his kids for them to live in. He gives complete control of the house to them, but He still owns it. The new tenants are aware of how beautiful this house is, but aren't aware of all that was sacrificed in order to make it as beautiful as it was. They saw the before pictures, and they see the new house now, but they don't fully understand what was given in order to make this house beautiful again. The Dad comes to visit on a regular basis at first, but then the invitations for Him to come over stop coming. They begin to neglect the house. It doesn't happen overnight...they don't trash the place; they just start to neglect cleaning it, and fixing it when things break down. They let other things take up all of their time and they don't make time for the house. Over the years, it becomes filthy, run down and broken. The kitchen that was pristine, is now a dirty mess. Then the owner of the house, their Father, comes for a visit. What do you think His reaction is? How do you think this makes Him feel? Is He justified in kicking his kids out for gross neglect of His beautiful house?

Our lives are like this house. God is longing to take the broken and make it beautiful. He sacrificed it all, His son Jesus, on the cross. So we could have a new start at things, so we could live up to our true potential. And yet time after time we fail to "clean house" in so many areas. We begin to let the dirt and filth into our "house" a little at a time. After awhile, we don't even see it. We are so blind to it. We look at other houses and say to ourselves, "My house isn't nearly as bad as their house. At least my lawn is nicely mowed and I have beautiful landscaping. At least the outside looks nice." What about the parts of the house that no one else sees? What about the furnace, the insulation...are there termites living in your house?

3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. Isaiah 61:3-4 (New Living Translation)

God is trying to show me in such a practical way that I am neglecting my house. I'm neglecting my relationship with Him. I'm not allowing the broken things to be fixed and restored. I'm not taking the time to not only keep my house beautiful, but to add new beauty to it. Someday my 3 beautiful children will inherit this house. They are seeing the way I take care of my house, and they are learning lifelong lessons. Will they learn to clean on a daily basis, or crisis clean when company comes over. Will they learn to fix the leaky pipe, or wait until a flood happens in the basement and they have to call a plumber and cleanup crew.

15 “Though you were once despised and hated, with no one traveling through you, I will make you beautiful forever, a joy to all generations. Isaiah 60:15 (New Living Translation)

This is how I want to be remembered. I want my life filled with Beauty and Joy.

Breaking Through

The one lesson God has been trying to teach Joel and I over the past 6 years is the importance of having an emergency savings. There was money we could have saved at times, which we didn't, and as soon as financial disaster struck, we were pretty much ruined. You would think after the first few times it would motivate us to save. You would be wrong. It has taken us almost 6 years to finally say enough is enough. And we are saving. Pinching. Working. Sacraficing. Its not easy. But its worth it. Our goal for October is to have 1000 dollars saved. The goal for February is to have at least 3000 before we get our tax return. I guess we'll see how it goes, but if we don't have the money saved, we aren't going to be able to find a new home to live in. I guess that's a big motivator as well.

And what I mean by "better" is the things you know you are capable of doing, but just aren't for whatever reason?

Do you ever just want to do better?

Lately

I've been slacking. I need time to decompress (I almost typed decompose...now how's that for being tired?) I want so badly to just be able to get my feelings out and not feel like I don't have time. Because I do. Have time, that is. Except when I have free time, all I want to do is turn on the xbox and play a game. I want to relax and not think about the fact that my huband, 3 children and I are now living with my father. That one tiny miscommunication with Army pay back in May has snowballed into a financial disaster. All because we didn't have an emergency savings. The one lesson we always go back to...we've hit this brick wall multiple times and for some reason we have not confronted the issue. So now, there's no way around it: we HAVE to save.
My husband has taken over the very strict budget, which is a relief, because I'm just not very good at discerning whats a neccessity and what i just want. Well, I know the difference, I just give in. So we are putting everything extra above 14o dollars a week into our savings to build it up. The 140 is for gas and groceries. Including diapers and whatnot. For a family of 5. And an 18 year old brother who is also living in this house who likes to eat all our food and drink my diet coke. My only source of caffeine.
Can you tell I'm on edge? I'm really trying to lay my frustrations at the foot of the cross...I mean, in light of God and His purpose for us as a family, and in light of Jesus and all He has done for us, and in light of the fact that God has ALWAYS provided for our basic needs...In light of all that, can I really complain about no diet coke? (honestly, I still do...)
I guess I'm just trying to remember what I am on this earth for...to be a daughter of the King, to be a wife who serves and loves faithfully, to be a leader to my kids...to point my family to Christ. I just want to love them and be there for them, not just physically but spiritually and emotionally. I want to be present. I want to live in the here and now...not the "a year from now things will be so much better..."

Guess this is just whats on my heart today, Jesus. Make me yours.